Monday, November 8, 2021

HASO - Volcanic Islands

Good old Tumblr. This time from val-tashoth. Touched up, etc.

Alien: You're telling me you have .. settlements. On islands with active volcanism?

Human: Well, yeah. I'm not about to tell Iceland or Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually it's kind of a tourist attraction.

Alien: What? The molten rock?

Human: Well, yeah! It's not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcano-

Alien: You ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?

Human: Shit, man. We swim in the groundwater near them.

Friday, November 5, 2021

HASO - Habitable Planets

A gem from Tumblr user crazypages. This is under the concept that Earth is Space Australia, for reference. As always I tidied it up a bit in the retyping but didn't change the spirit.

Alien: I'm sorry, what did you say your comfortable temperature range is?

Human: Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celsius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.

Alien: .. I'm sorry. Did you just list ranges below the freezing point of water?

Human: Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures. It can be a bit nippy.

Other human: Nah mate. I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.

Human: Yeah. Everybody knows someone like that.

Alien: ... And did you also say 50 Celsius? As in, halfway to the point of water boiling?

Human: Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.

Alien: ..... We've got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.

Wednesday, November 3, 2021

HASO - Bird War

This one is an image from Reddit r/humansarespaceorcs but without attribution since whoever made the image posted on Facebook didn't bother to include that part.

Jerry: Yeah? What is it?

Zilbur: I've been looking through your planet's history log and I need clarification on something.

Jerry: What is it?

Zilbur: I've found something called "The War of the Emus". What was that about?

Jerry: Uhhh....

Zilbur: Human?

Jerry: Well it was .. when we .. kind of .. went to war against .. emus.

Zilbur: What is this "emu" you speak of?

Jerry: It's a type of .. bird.

Zilbur: A what?

Jerry: A bird is a type o- 

Zilbur: I KNOW WHAT A BIRD IS. What I meant was that did you just say that you went to war against birds?

Jerry: Yes.

Zilbur: *inhales* WHY!?

Jerry: If it makes it any better they were pests that ate our crops.

Zilbur: No. It doesn't. You wanna know why?

Jerry: Why-

Zilbur: THE HISTORY LOG SAYS THE EMUS WON!

Jerry: Right. I forgot about that.

Zilbur: IDIOTS! ALL OF YOU!


Monday, November 1, 2021

HASO - Not Noticing Pain

From @nonbinarygaymergirl on Tumblr. This seems to be part of a cooperative writing effort between a lot of authors using the same characters. There's no specific order to them since they're bits of story.

The humans were at third meal when Zork'ak sat on the bench. The nutrient researchers had been experimenting with the human flavors, attempting to add it to the meals. This bowl had a slight ‘savory’ undertone that Zork'ak very much enjoyed.

Wren moved over to allow Zork'ak to sit next to her, which caused a weird constriction around xer straque, xer fluid-pumping organ. Wren smiled at xem, and it happened again. Xe might need to go to the medical wing after meal.

"I don’t feel sorry,“ Adam was saying.

"You sprained my wrist!” Steve was clutching his extremity to his chest.

"You should’ve landed the right way.“

"Oh, shut up,” Carrie grumbled.

As Carrie lifted her utensil to her mouth, Zork'ak caught a glimpse of a long cut running the length of the lower half of her extremity. “How did you hurt yourself, Carrie?”

She looked surprised. “Where?” Zork'ak carefully traced the line with xer talon. Carrie twisted to look at the scabbed cut. “Hmm. Wonder when that happened.”

"The piercing of your skin sends pulses through your nerves, correct?“

"Well, yeah.”

"So you should feel it.“

"Well, I mean. You usually do. I guess I just didn’t notice when it happened this time.”

"Sometimes our body can be more focused on other things or like the pain is so minor we barely notice or remember it,“ Adam said. “I mean we obviously notice big things.”

"I probably cut on something while we were at the collection field.“ Carrie continued eating.

"She also is the kind of person who doesn’t notice a lot.” Adam closed his eye in what Zork'ak had been told is called a ‘wink.’ “I, on the other hand, do notice things like this.” He flipped his extremity over to reveal two blue spots on his arms. Zork'ak did not study human bodily science, just behavior so xe did not know what this medical condition was.

"What disease do you have?“ Zork'ak leaned forward to look at Adams, running a talon over the skin to see if it felt different. Xe had been told that xe could touch the humans without asking permission in these situations.

"Oh, it’s not a disease. It’s called a bruise. It means my blood vessel, the tube that brings the blood to all my organs, was ruptured. It’ll go away after a few days.”

"You rupture delivery vessels that are necessary to keep your organs functioning and it does not affect your body?“

Adam shrugged. "We have multiple blood vessels.”

"Is this an extremely painful occurrence?“ Zork'ak had noticed humans did not seem to mind pain.

"Nah. I mean, you can usually tell if you are going to bruise because it hurts a little when that spot gets hit, but very minor.”

"So you don’t notice when you are cut but when one of your… blood vessels,“ Adam nodded,” blood vessels ruptures but you do notice when you touch an object too hard.“

"Uh, kind of? It just really depends.”

Zork'ak did not understand how some humans would notice these nerve impulses but others did not. Xe turned to look at Wren, who had been listening to the conversation, and noticed a dark purple spot on Wren’s upper extremity.

"What is this?“ Xe pointed at the spot on Wren’s arm.

"Uh,” Wren tried to twist her extremity. “Where?” She was stretching it out, twisting around, finally able to look at the spot on the back side. “Oh, bruise.” She poked it. “Ouch. That hurt.” She proceeded to press it again. And again.

"Wren?“ She touched the spot again and wrinkled her nose. "Why do you continue to press the spot that hurts?”

She looked at xem. “You know, I don’t have an explanation really. I guess it doesn’t hurt that much so it’s enticing to keep pressing it to see if it hurts more each time. I’m not sure.”

"How did you get that bruise?“

"Couldn’t tell you.”

Zork'ak looked back at Adam. “I thought you said you all noticed when you have ruptured your blood vessels, and that one looks more painful.”

"Hers is a dark color because it’s healing, not because it’s more painful. Bruises are nearly the same pain level. Some hurt when you press them,“ he cut his eyes at Wren, "but having them doesn’t hurt really.”

"She does not know how she received hers.“

He looked at her arm, then his. "Like I said, it depends.”

"But.“ Zork'ak was looking at their bruises. "How do you-you don’t notice-I do not understand.” Klyls always noticed any abnormality in their body’s functioning. There was not a time that Zork'ak had not noticed something causing xem pain.

"It’s complicated, I guess. Our species doesn’t have set rules really.“

"I have noticed.” Xe looked at Wren. “It makes your species quite hard to study.”

She laughed. “Good. You can’t know all of our secrets.” She winked at xem then.

Zork'ak found it hard to breathe for a fraction of a cycle. Xe definitely needed to go to the medical wing. 

Thursday, October 28, 2021

HASO - Earth's Oceans

Today's contribution comes from Tumblr user taste-of-ink. taste-of-ink likes the word 'like' and started every section with 'and'. I couldn't post it without a little tweaking. Sorry taste-of-ink.

Humans inviting aliens to visit earth after a long mission and aliens being really excited to go and see the infamous planet that led to the development of such universally renown species but get one look at the ocean and are just What the fuck is that? 

Humans are like Oh yeah we don’t fuck with that.

Aliens are like You literally hop galaxies with little to no understanding of what you’ll find but you won’t venture into your own aquatic abyss?

Humans simply say Scan it.

Five kicks later and aliens say Fuck that fuck that fuck that what the fuck how are you all alive let’s go back to the black holes.

Monday, October 11, 2021

HASO - Galactic Superweapon

Copied from the Reddit sub r/humansarespaceorcs. Formatted for clarity. Reddit. 'Nuff said on that.

Testsubject276

Human Communication Officer: Emergency frequency opened with the captain of the Kalthorian army, sir.

Human Captain: Let it through.

Alien: HUMANS. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

Human Captain: Calm down buddy, what's wrong?

Alien: We recently scanned the storm of the sol system planet Jupiter and found an ancient civilization ending weapon at its center!

Human Captain: Ohh you mean Crosshair Station.

Alien: You... Named it?

Human Captain: Yeah, we've been trying to destroy it for a LONG time, thanks to advanced tech from some of our galactic collaborators we were able to blast the thing with an EMP so powerful that the AI core fried.

Alien: You WHAT.

Human Captain: Relax, we pulled the AI out and plugged in our own, we call her Cammie. We've been upkeeping it ever since, scrubbing away alien code and substituting our own. It now serves as our central solar system defense.

Alien: You do realize you managed to commandeer an ancient superweapon that has plagued outer galaxies for millennia?

Human Captain: ... Would you like to purchase some of our electromag nukes?

Alien: We'll take twenty.

Friday, October 8, 2021

HASO - Food Temperature

A Tumblr thread that has been circulating as a screen shot/image. Formatting is preserved from the original posts except where I simply can't stand what they did.

artaline

human: *is heating up food*

alien: why are you doing that?

human: you see I want the particles in my food to vibrate at just the right frequency

dannydanuselessstuff

Human: *is eating ice cream*

alien: wait you forgot to make that one vibrate!

human: well, you see, not with this food

cardozza

This one is already vibrating at the desired frequency, but if it starts to vibrate at a higher frequency I lock it back in the cold box

asgardreid

Human: *just reheated pizza in the oven*

Other human: *is eating a slice of the same pizza, but cold*

Alien: *exasperated sputtering*