HASO - Galactic Superweapon

Copied from the Reddit sub r/humansarespaceorcs. Formatted for clarity. Reddit. 'Nuff said on that.

Testsubject276

Human Communication Officer: Emergency frequency opened with the captain of the Kalthorian army, sir.

Human Captain: Let it through.

Alien: HUMANS. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

Human Captain: Calm down buddy, what's wrong?

Alien: We recently scanned the storm of the sol system planet Jupiter and found an ancient civilization ending weapon at its center!

Human Captain: Ohh you mean Crosshair Station.

Alien: You... Named it?

Human Captain: Yeah, we've been trying to destroy it for a LONG time, thanks to advanced tech from some of our galactic collaborators we were able to blast the thing with an EMP so powerful that the AI core fried.

Alien: You WHAT.

Human Captain: Relax, we pulled the AI out and plugged in our own, we call her Cammie. We've been upkeeping it ever since, scrubbing away alien code and substituting our own. It now serves as our central solar system defense.

Alien: You do realize you managed to commandeer an ancient superweapon that has plagued outer galaxies for millennia?

Human Captain: ... Would you like to purchase some of our electromag nukes?

Alien: We'll take twenty.

HASO - Food Temperature

A Tumblr thread that has been circulating as a screen shot/image. Formatting is preserved from the original posts except where I simply can't stand what they did.

artaline

human: *is heating up food*

alien: why are you doing that?

human: you see I want the particles in my food to vibrate at just the right frequency

dannydanuselessstuff

Human: *is eating ice cream*

alien: wait you forgot to make that one vibrate!

human: well, you see, not with this food

cardozza

This one is already vibrating at the desired frequency, but if it starts to vibrate at a higher frequency I lock it back in the cold box

asgardreid

Human: *just reheated pizza in the oven*

Other human: *is eating a slice of the same pizza, but cold*

Alien: *exasperated sputtering*