HASO - Reverse Bored Humans

This is gabriel-wolfe-wordsmith's story about what else can happen when a human gets bored and has access to tools and scrap. If you haven't read HASO - Bored Humans please do so and you'll get even more amusement out of it.

The reverse here also holds true. Give a bored human a pile of scrap and you will come back to find a fully functional ship…or somesuch strange device. Humans quickly become the junkyard beings all across the galaxy.

“What did you do before this?”

“I used to just salvage scrap from old ships and melt it down for the metals.”

“How did you get your tentacles on interstellar ships to sell from that?!?”

“Simple: i hired a human. I originally thought she would simply help deconstruct junk ships for easier melting. I even gave her two screwdrivers.”

“Two screwdrivers?!?! Are you a madbeast?! I’ve heard what a bored human can do with one leverage optimizer.”

“Like I said. I wanted her to take things apart, makes the scrap easier to melt in smaller pieces. Never thought the human would do things in reverse. Left for a cycle to go watch my sibling’s egg-hatching and came back to find six fully functional ships in my scrapyard.”

“Are they safe? Surely they couldn’t be..”

“I’ve had a dozen inspectors look at every one. Other than the lack of production number stamps they seem to be right off the factory line.”

“So now you sell ships.. What about the human?”

“Oh i let her keep tinkering in the scrap yard. She seems happy there surrounded by things to ‘play with’ as she puts it. I give her a bonus for every ship she builds.”

“What does she do with the bonuses?”

“Buys coffee and chocolate. I’m starting to think both are crucial to human brain functioning.”

“I have heard of humans going mad without them…”

“Maybe i should buy her some extra just in case…”

“HEY BOSS! I MADE ONE THAT GOES TWICE AS FAST!”

“Twice as fast as hyperspeed?!?!? How?”

“Not sure but it does. You gotta see it. Just took a trip to earth and back for more coffee from my favorite little shop. Got there and back in fifteen minutes! And ten of that was waiting in line.”

“That's half the galaxy away…”

“Great job Gabrielle! I’ll triple your bonus for this one!”

“Sweet! I'm gonna go grab a snack.”

“Surely she realizes she could patent that and be unimaginably wealthy??”

“She doesn't seem to care. I will patent it and give her half the profits. It is only fair.”

“You are a braver beast than I. Keeping a human around like this. I loose tufts of fur from stress just thinking about nesting near a human.”

“Once you get used to the strange noises late at night you sleep quite well.”

“Are you so certain her experiments won’t vaporize you in your sleep?!?!?”

“Of course. Since I started sleeping in the ‘coffee shop’ she built on the lot I feel completely certain I am safe from any collateral damage from her experiments.”

HASO - Humans Sleep Anywhere

Ah Tumblr, the source of so many bits of small fiction. I really should consider joining it for my own writing. Anyway. This week's contribution is from piwnymisiek.

“Human Steve?”

“Sssh, Drblx” - Alice raised a finger to her mouth. “He’s asleep.”

The grklonian eyed the human in question suspiciously. “ How is that even possible?”

“To fall asleep with your face in your breakfast? He’s been up working for over fifty hours, had to pass out at some point.”

“But why did human Steve not retreat to the safety of his sleeping pod, human Alice? Is he that exhausted? Does he need medical attention?”

“Nah, give him an hour and he’ll crawl to the pod on his own. Wait, ‘safety’?”

“Well, I assume you don’t treat each other as a threat, but to allow himself such vulnerability in front of a grklonian…”

Alice snorted. “Drblx. You’re a crewmate, a friend and a ball of fluffy pink fur. You’re lucky Steve didn’t use you as a pillow.”

Drblx, one of Grklonian Dominion’s most seasoned supersoldiers, had never felt so insulted in their life.

HASO - Bored Humans

 This gem is from injuries-in-dust on Tumblr.

Give a bored human a screwdriver and you’ll find a pile of scrap where your ship used to be, with a proud looking human sitting nearby. 

“Boredom is a dangerous thing to a human.” 

“I don’t understand,” Chuul’s mandibles clicked nervously, “why not simply take the tool from the human.” 

Minxx’s antennae stood straight up, a sign of shock, fear, or surprise, “You don’t simply take something from a human. If you do they will either turn the ship upside down trying to find it again, or they will replace it with something else that will lead to more destruction.

“I speak quite literally by the way. Human-Mark used to have a tool he called an “Hex Key” he used it to remove the doors to the clothing storage areas in his quarters because he was bored. When he lost it he literally turned the ship upside down by reversing the gravity.” 

Chuul’s tentacles curled up defensively, “Gravity controls are locked, how-”

“No one knows how.” Minxx shook her small wings as the memory of suddenly falling upwards returned to her. “but his reasoning was that the tool would fall out of whatever hiding place it had come to rest within. He had not considered that all tables, chairs, equipment, and personnel, would also fall. It took weeks to clean.” 

To be fair to the human, Mark had only intended to reverse the gravity in his own quarters but had, quote, “pushed the wrong button.” A sentence which would send fear through any intelligent creature in the known galaxy. To be completely unfair to the human, there were still stains on the ceiling in almost every room of the ship from dropped food, chemicals, various other liquids, and even a couple of empty bowels. Some races just didn’t find the idea of resting comfortably in their sleeping quarters, only to be suddenly awakened as they fell ten feet toward a ceiling which had now become a floor. Mark was no longer allowed near environmental controls. 

Minxx continued, “He did not find this “Hex Key.” However, he did find the screwdriver and it seemed to please him when an owner was not located. The captain let him keep it since it seemed that it would keep him from doing any more strange things to locate his original lost tool. We did not consider-” she trailed off as her wings quivered again. 

There was silence between them for a few moments, Minxx was almost unwilling to continue and Chuul was almost too afraid to press for more details. Slowly, but surely, Minxx calmed herself enough to speak again. “we did not consider what he may be able to do when armed with a leverage optimiser.” 

“We were given shore leave while the ship was being fixed after the gravity incident. Thank goodness the captain took out act’s-of-human insurance or it would have cost the profits from our next five cargo hauls.” The premiums were high, but it was worth it. “After 14 rotations, human-Mark began to complain over the lack of stimulation, he called it “bored.” On the 15th rotation he disappeared for some time and he had hoped he had found some new activity to occupy his time.” 

Chuul did, but at the same time didn’t, want to know, “Had he?” 

Minxx waved her antennae in confirmation, “he had. He was located in one of the cargo holds, using the screwdriver to dismantle one of the mining probes. To, quote “see how it worked.” It was almost 90% deconstructed.” 

Mark had claimed it was almost 10% REconstructed, as he was trying to put it back together again, but couldn’t quite remember where all the parts went. In Mark’s words, the captain was a “glass half-empty kinda guy” (whatever that meant) and wrote DEconstructed on the claim form for a replacement probe. 

Chuul’s natural camouflage kicked in and they took on the colour of the chair they were sitting on. “Those probes have no screws for the leverage optimiser to use, how did he-” 

Minxx’s wings shivered again, “no one knows how. He just did.” 

Chuul was silent for a moment. He’d never served on a ship with a human before. He’d heard they made things “interesting” and if you ever got into trouble, a human was the very best thing to ever have on your side. It was why they were so many job opportunities for humans in the alliance. All the same…the thought of a human causing such damage and destruction just because of a lack of mental, or physical, stimulation was a more than a little frightening. What if the human wanted to see how the engines worked, or the weapons?!!  “Maybe I should transfer to another ship.” 

Minxx’s antennae curled, a smile to her race. “You are safe. The captain has found a way to occupy our humans free time. During our last stopover, he commissioned a shiny orb be constructed.” 

Chuul coked their head, “what is a shiny orb?” 

Minxx’s curled antennae moved up an down; a sign of mild laughter. “It is nothing. A sphere made of shiny metals, humans do like shiny things, roughly two feet diameter made of a collection of gears, levers, screws and switches which appear complex and should have a function, but do entirely nothing. The captain handed it to Human-Mark and stated: “see if you can fix this.” and Mark has been “tinkering” with it during his off-duty hours for almost 24 rotations now. He can take it apart and rebuild it as many times as he likes, but it will never perform any task.”

Chuul was just thinking about how their captain must be a genius, when the door to the mess hall opened and Human-Mark entered. He was carrying the shiny orb under one arm, and his screwdriver in the other hand. He looked around, seemingly not noticing any of the crew members. He smiled when he spotted an empty liquid container and sat down at the table with the cup. 

Chuul and Minxx watched curiously as Mark set the orb on the table in front of the cup. He used the screwdriver to tighten one small screw and flipped a switch. At once there was a whirring and clicking of clockwork, a blinking of lights hidden in the depths of the machine and even a TING from a small bell. Then a small funnel-shaped piece of metal opened up in the side of the machine and poured a small amount of hot, black, liquid into the cup.

Mark jumped to his feet, pumping the air and yelling loudly enough to send Chuul’s camouflage reflex off again. He grabbed the orb, abandoning the cup of steaming hot liquid, and moved to the door. 

Minxx stared after them, “Human-Mark?” 

Mark only paused for a second in the doorway. He was prominently displaying his predatory teeth. Chuul had read about these “smiles” but it was still disturbing to see. “Can’t stop Minxy. I gotta let the captain know I fixed his coffee maker.” 

With that, he left. Leaving Chuul and Minxx frozen in place, dumbfounded. 

Wherever Chuul was going to transfer to, Minxx began to hope she could get a posting on the same ship.

HASO - Humans and Pets

I think I'm going to have to sign up for Tumblr just because it keeps providing me material. This is a multi-user contribution, which is kind of the fun of social media sites.

radioactivepeasant (setting up the story seed)

It occurs to me that as much as “humans are the scary ones” fits sometimes, if you look at it another way, humans might seem like the absurdly friendly or curious ones.

I mean, who looked at an elephant, gigantic creature thoroughly capable of killing someone if it has to, and thought “I’m gonna ride on that thing!”?

And put a human near any canine predator and there’s a strong chance of said human yelling “PUPPY!” and initiating playful interaction with it.

And what about the people who look at whales, bigger than basically everything else, and decide “I’m gonna swim with our splashy danger friends!”

Heck, for all we know, humans might run into the scariest, toughest aliens out there and say “Heck with it. I’m gonna hug ‘em.”

“Why?!”

“I dunno. I gotta hug ‘em.”

And it’s like the first friendly interaction the species has had in forever so suddenly humanity has a bunch of big scary friends.

adrenaline-revolver

“Commander, we must update the code of conduct to include the humans.”

“Why? Are they more aggressive than we anticipated?”

“It seems to be the opposite Commander. Just this morning a crewman nearly lost their hand when attempting to stroke an unidentified feline on an unknown world. Their reaction to the attack was to call the creature a “mean kitty” and vow to win it over. Upon inquiry it seems they bond so readily with creatures outside their species that they have the capacity to feel sympathy for an alien creature they have never seen before simply because it appears distressed. I hate to say this commander but we must install a rule to prevent them from endangering their own lives when interacting with the galaxy’s fauna.”

“I see what you mean. So be it, from now on no crewman is allowed to touch unknown animals without permission from a superior officer. And send a message to supplies about acquiring one of these “puppies” so that their desire to touch furred predators can be safely sated. 

beka-tiddalik

“So I hear that you’ve just recruited a human for your ship.”

“Yes, it’s the first time that I’ve worked with these species, but they come highly recommended. Say, you’ve worked with a few, what tips can you give me? I’d hate to have some kind of cultural misunderstanding if it’s avoidable.”

“The first rule of working with humans is never leave them unsupervised.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m serious. Don’t do it. Things. Happen.”

“But wait, I thought that I heard you highly recommended that every crew should have at least one on board?”

“Absolutely, and I stand by that. Humans are excellent innovators, and are psychologically very resilient. If you have a crisis, then a human that has bonded with your crew properly can be invaluable. Treat your human well and you should get the best out of them as a crew member. Their ability to get on with almost any species is legendary.”

“But Toks, didn’t you just say…”

“The trouble is that they will potentially try to bond with anything. If you leave them unsupervised, you have no idea what kind of trouble they can get themselves into. It was sheer luck that the Fanzorians thought that it was funny that the human picked up the Crown Prince to coo at him.”

“Crown Prince Horram, Scourge of Pixia?”

“The very same. Surprisingly good sense of humour. But don’t even get me started on that one time with the Dunlip. Al-Human wanted to know if they could keep it. As a pet.”

“A Dunlip? You mean the 3 metre tall apex predators from Jowun?”

“Yup. Don’t leave your humans unsupervised.”

“I’ll uh, take that under advisement.”

uristmcdorf

“Seriously. Get a supply of safe animals for the humans to bond with or they will make their own. I mean, they will try to befriend anything they come across anyway, but without any permanent pets they can get… creative. Don’t even get me started on the time one of them taped a knife to one of our auto-cleaners and named it Stabby.

Three weeks in and when we finally caught the wretched thing, half the humans on crew tried to revolt about us “killing” Stabby by removing the knife.

“How… how did you resolve that sir?”

“Glaxcol made a toy knife out of insulation rubber and strapped that on instead. Quite a creative solution, I suppose.”

“And that sated the humans?

“Worse.”

“Worse?”

“They thought it was so funny they made a second one, strapped false eyes on springs to both and held mock battles. Then decided Stabby and Knifey were in love and now none of them will allow the others to stage fights between them any more.”

foxmartini

“So, if I supply my Humans with safe bonding pets they will behave better when on other planets? Where do I get safe bonding pets?”

“Realizing the havoc their species created with their bonding needs, Earth has been kind enough to create an inter galactic ‘pet’ shop as they call it, the order forms are on the bridge.”

“If they get a pet this should prevent any knife welding auto-cleaners?”

“Yes…”

“You don’t sound very reassuring.”

“Well… You have to understand that some of what humans find attractive about their ‘pets’ is actually what makes them dangerous. Not all of what they consider ‘safe’ is what we would consider ‘safe’.”

“OK… I am getting a little nervous about this.”

“No, no, it’s fine, I’m just saying you should maybe keep an eye on what they order. Ask them to describe the creature before they get it. For example, the first time I had a human on board I let them order a pet without checking what it was.”

“What happened?”

Well, when it arrived it was a 25 pound fanged and clawed feline creature called a Savannah Cat. My entire crew was terrified of it, it was agile and could easily have seriously injured someone, but the human had no fear of it. They insisted on carrying it around like a child, and they would squeeze it’s ‘beans’ as they said, forcing the creatures claws out, and then they would show people it’s deadly claws while saying, and I quote, ‘look at its adorable claws, this is what it uses to kills things, isn’t it cute?’“

“Seriously?”

“I have also heard stories from other crews that their humans ordered canines that weigh as much or more then they do, and they sleep next to the giant creature.”

“You are not making me feel better with these stories…”

lianabrooks

“Captain, the Mei-Human has ordered a new bonding pet. And it arrived.”

“Is there a problem?”

“It is the size of my hand, has eight legs, and there is a label on the box that reads VENOMOUS.”

“This must be a mistake. Let’s find Mei-human and see if she can explain how this happened.”

They found Mei-human working in the science lab…

“Mei-human, your bonding pet has arrived but there seems to have been a mistake made in shipping.”

“Oh, no! Captain, did Fluffy die?”

“Fluffy?” The captain moved six tentacles in confusion. “Who is Fluffy?”

“My Martian Fur Spider,” Mei-Human said. “You told me I could order anything as long as it was cute and loveable.”

“Mei-Human,” said the bosun, “our understanding is that arachnids are considered frightening to humans.”

“Well, some people don’t like spiders, but I think they’re adorable! I already picked out a name and made a small habitat for it in my quarters. Fluffy will love it.”

The captain and bosun exchanged worried pheromones. 

“What about the warning of venom?” the captain asked.

“Oh, Martian Fur spiders don’t produce enough venom to kill anyone, even when they’re grown. I checked to make sure Fluffy couldn’t hurt the crew. The bite will only itch, but they can be trained not to bite.”

The captain flapped its gills in a breathy sigh. Humans… “Very well. We will unleash the Fluffy.” 

The captain and the bosun walked Mei-Human to her quarters and delivered the small box containing Fluffy the Martian Fur spider. As the doors opened they saw that Mei-Human had cleared her longest wall and stacked balls of yarn over most the floor.

“Mei-Human,” the captain said as a feeling of dread filled its soul, “how large will Fluffy grow?”

“Oh, no one has ever grown a Martian Fur spider larger than three meters before. She’ll fit in the ship, no problems. I measured the corridors. And they can curl up very small when they want to. The yarn is just there to give her something to cuddle in when she sheds her outer skin.” 

Mei-Human smiled cheerful as she released a glistening red creature with luxurious fur and two-inch fangs onto her floor.

“Isn’t she the cutest?”