Thursday, December 30, 2021

HASO - Reverse Bored Humans

This is gabriel-wolfe-wordsmith's story about what else can happen when a human gets bored and has access to tools and scrap. If you haven't read HASO - Bored Humans please do so and you'll get even more amusement out of it.

The reverse here also holds true. Give a bored human a pile of scrap and you will come back to find a fully functional ship…or somesuch strange device. Humans quickly become the junkyard beings all across the galaxy.

“What did you do before this?”

“I used to just salvage scrap from old ships and melt it down for the metals.”

“How did you get your tentacles on interstellar ships to sell from that?!?”

“Simple: i hired a human. I originally thought she would simply help deconstruct junk ships for easier melting. I even gave her two screwdrivers.”

“Two screwdrivers?!?! Are you a madbeast?! I’ve heard what a bored human can do with one leverage optimizer.”

“Like I said. I wanted her to take things apart, makes the scrap easier to melt in smaller pieces. Never thought the human would do things in reverse. Left for a cycle to go watch my sibling’s egg-hatching and came back to find six fully functional ships in my scrapyard.”

“Are they safe? Surely they couldn’t be..”

“I’ve had a dozen inspectors look at every one. Other than the lack of production number stamps they seem to be right off the factory line.”

“So now you sell ships.. What about the human?”

“Oh i let her keep tinkering in the scrap yard. She seems happy there surrounded by things to ‘play with’ as she puts it. I give her a bonus for every ship she builds.”

“What does she do with the bonuses?”

“Buys coffee and chocolate. I’m starting to think both are crucial to human brain functioning.”

“I have heard of humans going mad without them…”

“Maybe i should buy her some extra just in case…”

“HEY BOSS! I MADE ONE THAT GOES TWICE AS FAST!”

“Twice as fast as hyperspeed?!?!? How?”

“Not sure but it does. You gotta see it. Just took a trip to earth and back for more coffee from my favorite little shop. Got there and back in fifteen minutes! And ten of that was waiting in line.”

“That's half the galaxy away…”

“Great job Gabrielle! I’ll triple your bonus for this one!”

“Sweet! I'm gonna go grab a snack.”

“Surely she realizes she could patent that and be unimaginably wealthy??”

“She doesn't seem to care. I will patent it and give her half the profits. It is only fair.”

“You are a braver beast than I. Keeping a human around like this. I loose tufts of fur from stress just thinking about nesting near a human.”

“Once you get used to the strange noises late at night you sleep quite well.”

“Are you so certain her experiments won’t vaporize you in your sleep?!?!?”

“Of course. Since I started sleeping in the ‘coffee shop’ she built on the lot I feel completely certain I am safe from any collateral damage from her experiments.”

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